#anecdote #storytellng #parenting #brain_development In [[The Whole-Brain Child]] the author tells a story about a women called Tina and her seven-year-old son. Tina had put her son to sleep earlier, but out of the blue her son appeared and explained that he couldn't sleep. He was clearly upset and explained: > I am mad that you never leave me a note in the middle of the night! Surprised at this unusual outburst Tina replied, > I didn't know you wanted me to. His response was to unleash a whole litany of rapid-fire complaints: > YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING NICE FOR ME, AND I'M MAD BECAUSE MY BIRTHDAY ISN'T FOR TEN MORE MONTHS, AND I HATE HOMEWORK! This of course is not logical behaviour. Tina's son was experiencing big waves of right-brain emotion (see [[ENG - Integration - Avoiding the Emotional Flood and Desert]] and [[ENG - The Left and Right Brain - Logic vs. Emotion]] to understand what this means). The author points out that at moments like this, one of the least effective things Tina could do would yo jump up and defend herself (*"of course I do nice things for you!"* ) or to argue with her son about his faculty logic (*"There's nothing I can do to make your birthday come sooner. As for the homework that's just something that you've got to do"* ) The reason these tactics are not effective, but on the contrary might make things even worse is that logic appeals to the left brain. Therefore this type of left-brain, logical response would hit an unreceptive right-brain brick wall 🧱. In other words, had Tina responded with her logical-left, her son would have felt like she didn't understand him or care about his feelings. He was in a right-brain, nonrational, emotional flood, and a left-brain response would have been a lose-lose approach. Even though it was practically automatic (and very tempting) to ask him "*What are you talking about?*" or tell him to go back to bed immediately, Tina stopped herself. Instead she used [[The Connect-and-redirect technique]]. She pulled him close, rubbed his back, and with a nurturing tome of voice, sai, "*Sometimes it's just really hard , isn't it? I would never forget about you. You are always in my mind, and I always want you to know how special you are to me*" While Tina held him he explained what was really bothering him i.e. that he sometimes feels that his younger brother gets more attention, and that homework takes too much of his time. As he spoke Tina could feel him relax and soften. He felt heard and cared for. Then she briefly addressed the specific issues he had brought up, since he was now more receptive to problem solving and planning, and agreed to talk more in the morning. ## Key insight: [[ENG - Attunement - Children need to feel felt before they can be reached with reason]] In emotionally intense moments, logic alone doesn’t work. First, connect with the child’s emotional state (right brain to right brain), then redirect with gentle reasoning once they are calm and receptive